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...because it's not like anyone really cares to read them anyways.
This year has smacked me down into the dirt repeatedly. Every time I try to get up again, there seems to be a boot kicking me back down. I have been used this year in ways I never would've imagined, and I have lost more than I though possible. I am literally void of emotions completely right now because I'm not sure what I have left to care about.
The people I care most for have used me and are now gone because there is nothing left of me to use that they're interested in anymore. I'm expected to move on. I'm told that I care too much. Is it wrong to love people and try to give them everything you possibly can because you think they deserve it? Because you believe in your very soul that they are worth all of your time and effort and love?
Others have just simply decided I'm not worth their time anymore. They choose to ignore my efforts and tell themselves that I don't care about them, despite the truth being the opposite. I care so much that I wind up fighting with the people I love and want to remain in my life because I don't want to see them go. But they leave me behind anyways. Leaving me alone in the shadows.
I have very little left to try to hold on to.
I have a terrible job full of hatred and liars, if you don't believe me, ask yourself: Would you like to be a door to door sales agent working commissions in the middle of winter, with homophobic and racist coworkers? But I am trying to power my way through it, trying to hold on to this job as long as I can, until I can find somewhere else that I actually belong. If such a place exists.
My best friend passed away, she may have been a dog, but at least when things got rough, I always knew she was there, loving me unconditionally, which is more than I could ask for from anyone else I've learnt. And she taught me how to do that myself. How to refrain from judging people, and learn to love and accept everyone for who they are.
I've noticed that I don't recieve many views on my art, and that I don't get many comments on anything either. So what's the point in posting anything? It's become apparent that no one is looking anyways. Why am I even bothering to write this journal? Why would anyone care that I don't post anything for awhile? Will anyone miss me? I doubt it. But because I care about you all, I feel you all deserve to be informed. I know, I'm whiny and annoying and complain too much. Don't worry, you won't have to hear about it anymore.
I'm going to slip off the face of the planet for awhile. I don't know how long yet. Maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months, maybe years....maybe forever. We'll see.
And no, I don't feel anger or hatred towards anyone. At least not towards anyone other than myself.
I'd like to thank everyone for letting me know exactly how little I am worth, I always found myself pretty worthless, but I never realized that so many other people think so too.
I'll miss you all. Until next time, I'm going to be trying to make myself worth something. Or just totally revamp my entire being, because obviously this current model is flawed.
This year has smacked me down into the dirt repeatedly. Every time I try to get up again, there seems to be a boot kicking me back down. I have been used this year in ways I never would've imagined, and I have lost more than I though possible. I am literally void of emotions completely right now because I'm not sure what I have left to care about.
The people I care most for have used me and are now gone because there is nothing left of me to use that they're interested in anymore. I'm expected to move on. I'm told that I care too much. Is it wrong to love people and try to give them everything you possibly can because you think they deserve it? Because you believe in your very soul that they are worth all of your time and effort and love?
Others have just simply decided I'm not worth their time anymore. They choose to ignore my efforts and tell themselves that I don't care about them, despite the truth being the opposite. I care so much that I wind up fighting with the people I love and want to remain in my life because I don't want to see them go. But they leave me behind anyways. Leaving me alone in the shadows.
I have very little left to try to hold on to.
I have a terrible job full of hatred and liars, if you don't believe me, ask yourself: Would you like to be a door to door sales agent working commissions in the middle of winter, with homophobic and racist coworkers? But I am trying to power my way through it, trying to hold on to this job as long as I can, until I can find somewhere else that I actually belong. If such a place exists.
My best friend passed away, she may have been a dog, but at least when things got rough, I always knew she was there, loving me unconditionally, which is more than I could ask for from anyone else I've learnt. And she taught me how to do that myself. How to refrain from judging people, and learn to love and accept everyone for who they are.
I've noticed that I don't recieve many views on my art, and that I don't get many comments on anything either. So what's the point in posting anything? It's become apparent that no one is looking anyways. Why am I even bothering to write this journal? Why would anyone care that I don't post anything for awhile? Will anyone miss me? I doubt it. But because I care about you all, I feel you all deserve to be informed. I know, I'm whiny and annoying and complain too much. Don't worry, you won't have to hear about it anymore.
I'm going to slip off the face of the planet for awhile. I don't know how long yet. Maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months, maybe years....maybe forever. We'll see.
And no, I don't feel anger or hatred towards anyone. At least not towards anyone other than myself.
I'd like to thank everyone for letting me know exactly how little I am worth, I always found myself pretty worthless, but I never realized that so many other people think so too.
I'll miss you all. Until next time, I'm going to be trying to make myself worth something. Or just totally revamp my entire being, because obviously this current model is flawed.
Would Appreciate Opinions
I added a bunch of art awhile ago from my phone using my cell phone camera, it's all pretty bad quality. Would anyone be interested in me taking the effort to scan all of these pieces now that I have a working computer with which to do so? Seeing as it takes roughly 20 minutes to prepare each picture that I scan before I can post it, I don't know if I want to put in the effort required if no one other than myself will care about the quality.
I'll probably get around to it eventually regardless, just possibly sooner rather than later if anyone wants to see the same stuff in better conditions.
Prepare for Art Dumps (I got a new computer)
Nearly two years since my last journal update, I now have a new computer, and I'm starting up a new home business selling art. Still getting things set up, but I have had a few sales already. No business name yet, trying to decide what works for the multiple different mediums that I'll be selling. As much as I would like to just use gay purple dinosaur because that's what I'm known as pretty much everywhere anyways, I don't think it's necessarily marketable. I've been known by that title for about 10 years now, but I don't think adult audiences really appreciate the joke as much as teenagers did.
Lots has changed in the past two years, which
Hahaha haha ha ha....oops
My computer got a nasty virus about a year ago and I haven't gotten it fixed. And then my cell phone situation was bad for awhile, so I sorta disappeared. Now I have a new cell that can handle apps.
I've still been drawing, I am still active on Facebook!
Updates...updates...so I came out to my mom at Christmas. I'm Transgender. Tadaaa...figuring that out was a huge step out of depression for awhile. But I knew all of that for quite some time. Took 2 years to finally tell my mom. Now I've been pretty open with everyone. And I'm going to a support group twice a month and seeing my psychologist again.
Other than that, I've been working, and
My deviantART Story
When I joined, I didn't even have my own internet connection at home. I didn't get internet access at home until I was in grade 11, in 2008. We finally convinced my mother that the internet is required to succeed in school now and that we're smart enough to avoid creeps. When my friends learnt I was going to have internet, they convinced me to get an account here and upload literally all of my pictures in one sitting. I didn't have internet yet, but I was at my friends house and we sat down and got it started. I made my account, and uploaded 73 pictures in one sitting. Those are all the first several pages of my gallery, and the reason why th
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