...because it's not like anyone really cares to read them anyways.
This year has smacked me down into the dirt repeatedly. Every time I try to get up again, there seems to be a boot kicking me back down. I have been used this year in ways I never would've imagined, and I have lost more than I though possible. I am literally void of emotions completely right now because I'm not sure what I have left to care about.
The people I care most for have used me and are now gone because there is nothing left of me to use that they're interested in anymore. I'm expected to move on. I'm told that I care too much. Is it wrong to love people and try to give them everything you possibly can because you think they deserve it? Because you believe in your very soul that they are worth all of your time and effort and love?
Others have just simply decided I'm not worth their time anymore. They choose to ignore my efforts and tell themselves that I don't care about them, despite the truth being the opposite. I care so much that I wind up fighting with the people I love and want to remain in my life because I don't want to see them go. But they leave me behind anyways. Leaving me alone in the shadows.
I have very little left to try to hold on to.
I have a terrible job full of hatred and liars, if you don't believe me, ask yourself: Would you like to be a door to door sales agent working commissions in the middle of winter, with homophobic and racist coworkers? But I am trying to power my way through it, trying to hold on to this job as long as I can, until I can find somewhere else that I actually belong. If such a place exists.
My best friend passed away, she may have been a dog, but at least when things got rough, I always knew she was there, loving me unconditionally, which is more than I could ask for from anyone else I've learnt. And she taught me how to do that myself. How to refrain from judging people, and learn to love and accept everyone for who they are.
I've noticed that I don't recieve many views on my art, and that I don't get many comments on anything either. So what's the point in posting anything? It's become apparent that no one is looking anyways. Why am I even bothering to write this journal? Why would anyone care that I don't post anything for awhile? Will anyone miss me? I doubt it. But because I care about you all, I feel you all deserve to be informed. I know, I'm whiny and annoying and complain too much. Don't worry, you won't have to hear about it anymore.
I'm going to slip off the face of the planet for awhile. I don't know how long yet. Maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months, maybe years....maybe forever. We'll see.
And no, I don't feel anger or hatred towards anyone. At least not towards anyone other than myself.
I'd like to thank everyone for letting me know exactly how little I am worth, I always found myself pretty worthless, but I never realized that so many other people think so too.
I'll miss you all. Until next time, I'm going to be trying to make myself worth something. Or just totally revamp my entire being, because obviously this current model is flawed.
Mood: Daily Needs
Listening to: Nothing